My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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