you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
