I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
