I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
