Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
