I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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