I can tuck mytits in my pants
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
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