Soap is not a condiment
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
