i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
