awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
