I think im going to throw up on grandma
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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