Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
