If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
