Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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