She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
