so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When are your genitals available?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
