meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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