my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
