If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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