Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
