God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love you. Go after that dick
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
