Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
