i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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