We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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