so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
