my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
