And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
