I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize