onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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