You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
