don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
