Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
