I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
