if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Welp...herpes.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
