This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
