I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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