1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
