god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
