I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
