I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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