Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
