New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
