the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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