I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
