My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
