I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
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