Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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