Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I fill condoms, not promises.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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