She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
