Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I forgot how hot balto sounded
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
