GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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