I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize