They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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