Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
