i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
