why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
